


The Coffee Machine of Precinct Eight

by DruidX



Series: The Vexations of Elo O'Toreguarde [2]
Category: Titan - The Fighting Fantasy World
Genre: Coffee, Fantastic Racism, Gen, dwarven inventions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26411032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DruidX/pseuds/DruidX
Summary: The coffee machine has sat in the corner of Watchhouse Eight for nearly five years. How did it get there, where did it come from and why does it gurgle like an angry kuo toa from time-to-time?
Series: The Vexations of Elo O'Toreguarde [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1902259
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	The Coffee Machine of Precinct Eight

"Lieutenant Byrne, what the hell is this contraption in my bullpen?" Captain Withnail asked, dropping his cloak over the back of a random officer's chair to better take a look at the gleaming copper and glass machine. It stood against the wall of the briefing room, sat on a rickety-looking table  
"Good morning to you too, sir," the Lieutenant said, coming up behind his Captain. "It was dropped off by a group of dwarves late last night. I believe they called it a coffee making machine."  
"Did they now," the Captain said, taking a step back. He regarded the device for a moment, as it quietly ticked and gurgled. Finally, he turned back to Byrne. "Have someone find them and give it back."  
"Sir?"  
"Fire and dwarves, Lieutenant, do not mix well. Damn thing's a liability, and I won't have my Watchhouse exploding because of it."  
"Sir, I'm sure it's not that bad," Byrne said, glancing at the contents of a folder in his arms. "According to Desk Sergeant Sparrow, the dwarves in question informed her that it was 'quite safe lassie', and that they'd be back to show someone how to operate it."  
"I don't care. There's a ninety per cent chance that thing is going to blow up the first time it gets used. I want it out of my Watch House by the end of the day," the Captain added, grabbing his cloak as he walked to his office.  
"Anyone specific, Captain?" Byrne asked, as his irascible commander passed.  
"Get the new girl on it. It'll be good experience."  
"She doesn't have a partner yet, Sir."  
"Has Raske been replaced yet?" Captain Withnail asked, pausing at the door to his office.  
"No Sir. Constable Monday hasn't yet received a new partner."  
Withnail gave a sniff, lifted his chin and grunted in thought. "Monday's experienced enough to take a trainee by now, I should think. Put the two of them together, see what they can dig out. Even if they fall short, I want that thing gone."  
"Where to sir?"  
Withnail shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Give it to the Wizard's tower. Pass it over to that annoying alchemist fellow who blows himself up every Highday-"  
"Ellirin Skyter?"  
"Yes, him. Hell, dump it in the street with a 'free' sign. I don't care; I want it gone."  
"Yes sir," Byrne said, as the office door slammed closed, and he went to deal with the problem.

  
Withnail found himself tied up with the working of his Watchhouse for the rest of the day, and the next was spent in a series of meetings at the council halls with Watch Chief Amadori, so it was a few days later when he walked into the bullpen on the way to the morning's briefing that he stopped, staring at the glittering dwarvish machine still sat on its rickety table. A honey pot and silver tin had joined the contraption on the table, along with dark drips of use staining the glass apparatus.  
"Byrne!" Withnail yelled out for his Lieutenant. The few officers working in the bullpen all flinched.  
"Yes sir?" Byrne asked, coming from his office, a stack of folders in his arms.  
"What the devil is that monstrosity still doing in my Watch House?"  
"Ah..."  
Withnail turned back to his second-in-command. "The new girl not getting anywhere I could have understood, but Monday is an experienced Watchman."  
"Perhaps we should speak in private, Sir?" Byrne said, shuffling his stack of folders.  
Withnail gave Byrne a long look. "It can't be that bad?"  
Lieutenant Byrne glanced at the time-keeper on the wall - another dwarven invention, sure, but one that did not involve any sort of explosives. "Briefing won't begin for another few minutes Sir, perhaps we can speak in the Panic Room?"  
Withnail frowned at Byrne for a moment, before giving a curt nod. His second-in-command replied with a quick, humourless smile and lead the way.

The Panic Room, as the officers called it, was large and filled with several rows of chairs and tables. Byrne went straight to the lectern at the front of the room, dumping his stack of folders, while Withnail sauntered in behind him and perched on a desk.  
"So?" the Captain asked, watching Byrne sort the folders and notes.  
Byrne paused, sighed and looked up, giving his commander a reluctant expression before straightening his features and coming around to stand beside the lectern, flicking his neat battle-plait back over a shoulder.

"I gave the assignment to Constables Monday and O'Toreguarde, as requested. Things were rocky from the start, with Monday insisting he did not need the assistance of a rookie 'wood-runt'. Never would have pegged him as a racist, but life always surprises. Obviously I informed him that one, it wasn't for his assistance, it was for her edification; and two, it wasn't his call to make. Monday sucked it up, and they disappeared to question Desk Sergeant Sparrow. Around mid-afternoon, they showed back up to the 'House bloodied and scuffed." Byrne paused, and Withnail's frown deepened, as he crossed his arms.   
"What happened then?" the Captain asked.

Byrne shifted his weight. "According to Constable O'Toreguarde - whose report, incidentally, I think I believe more than Monday's - after getting the dwarfs' calling-card from Sargent Sparrow, they went to the address listed. Unsurprisingly it was a property in the South-East of the city, which turned out to be a co-operative forge of some kind, though Constable Monday said it resembled an alchemist's shop to some extent. The Constables then asked around regarding the coffee machine and spoke to one Sibna Copperbeard, who said it was a gift from her and her fellows. Ms Copperbeard said that one of her kin was exiting the Slippery Slope a few nights back when he was mugged. Apparently an off-duty officer having a smoke outside the pub heard the ruckus and intervened before it could turn into something worse. He never gave his name, but somehow they found out he was stationed here and sent the coffee machine as a thank you. Monday informed them you'd requested they take it back, at which Ms Copperbeard became 'perturbed', in O'Toreguarde's words, and 'offended and agitated' in Monday's."

At this Withnail put his head in a hand. It was obvious where this was going.  
But Byrne wasn't finished, "To her credit, O'Toreguarde did her best to diffuse the situation. She told the woman that gifts couldn't be accepted for an officer doing his duty, but when Ms Copperbeard became further irked the young constable back-tracked and said that in this instance it may be accepted because the officer was acting outside his duty hours. Monday decided to take umbrage with this statement, pulled the young constable aside, informing her loudly, and using some unfortunate language, that you didn't want the device here."  
Withnail held up a hand. "Let me guess," he said, "that's about when the fight started, yes?"  
"Not quite. O'Toreguarde gave Monday a dressing down for his word choices, told Copperbeard to send instructions over and promised to speak with you about it. Monday was incensed, and the pair left.  _ That _ is about when the fight started.   
"Turns out Monday not only has a mouth on him but knows how to project his noise. Some dwarves outside the shop - absolutely nothing to do with the Copperbeard situation - jumped to conclusions on hearing the shouting, obviously missed O'Toreguarde's rebuke, and decided they weren't happy with the Officers' conduct. They made their displeasure known with a strongly worded fist to Monday's face. Things then spiralled out of the tenuous control of our officers, and an interjection was required by our colleagues in Watch House six."

Withnail gave Byrne another of those long looks, then cast his eyes to the ceiling.  
" _ Seldarine on-poldora a'amin _ ," the Captain said, punctuating his elvish curse with a long-suffering sigh. He looked back at Byrne. "Well, we can hardly give it back now. In light of these events, a return will be taken in entirely the wrong spirit. Gods, what a mess." He sighed again. "Let Sargents Sparrow and Denmon know that when Ms Copperbeard brings the instructions-"  
"Ah, Sir? They've already been received. Otherwise, I wouldn't have let anyone play around, trying to get the device to work."  
"Ah blast. Well, we'll just have to issue a statement denouncing Monday's behaviour, thanking the Copperbeards for their contraption, and that we shall be putting into place measures to ensure this sort of ill-will between races does not become a bigger problem."  
"I'll have something drafted for you by tomorrow morning Captain," Byrne said. "Though perhaps refer to it as a 'device' from now on? Don't want to be giving the men any more ideas..."  
Withnail murmured in reply and pulled himself up. He paced around behind the lectern, looking over the notes Byrne had drawn up for him, as the Lieutenant opened the briefing room door, admitting the first of that day's duty officers.


End file.
